


Of Hot Lips and Bacta Gel

by mattygroves



Series: A Long Time Ago, in a MASH Unit Far, Far Away [1]
Category: MASH (TV), Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Drinking, Fluff and Crack, Kylux - Freeform, M/M, Stormpilot, all the pilots are doctors, i love these space gays, padme didn't die, shrugs, skywalkers aren't that important in the galaxy, star wars au: anakin didn't become darth vader, this war has been going on forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 20:43:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6255163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattygroves/pseuds/mattygroves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Star Wars AU/MASH tv show mash-up that no one asked for! All the important info is in the tags, world wise. Still set in the Star Wars galaxy, but since Anakin never turned to the dark side, the Skywalkers aren't all destiny-laden and important. Padme's still running shit though. </p><p>And Leia runs a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Hot Lips and Bacta Gel

“Coruscant was Had Abbadon, now it’s Coruscant, not Had Abbadon, been a long time gone, oh Had Abbadon...” the old song filtered through the unit’s scratchy loud speakers on a sunny day on some Force forsaken habitable moon.

“Attention all personnel,” Rey’s voice interrupted the four part harmony, “All shifts report to the Med tent for immediate surgery. Incoming wounded in five—on the double, people!”

“Now I’ll never get rid of my farmer’s tan,” Poe said petulantly, reaching for the shirt he had abandoned somewhere in the vicinity of his makeshift lounge chair.

“I still love you, babe,” said Finn, blinking awake from his nap, “Even when you look ridiculous.”

“Aw, thanks, buddy,” he leaned over for a quick kiss, “Ready to save some lives?”

“Always.”

“After you, doctor.”

“No, no, I insist, after you, doctor. I got first pick last time.”

#

“Let’s give her a good slop of bacta gel for that wound, I think this kid’ll make it,” Poe told his attendant med droid.

“Is ‘slop of bacta gel’ the technical medical term for that procedure?” Dr. Pava asked from the table behind him.

“Yes, Dr. Asshole, it is,” he replied, changing his gloves as they brought in a new patient, his fifth in the last hour.

“Doctor, the bacta gel,” the med droid interrupted.

“Yes, that’s what I said.”

“There is none. We appear to have used our allotment.”

“I signed that order myself,” Finn said from across the room, looking up from his patient. “I feel like I would remember to include bacta gel in our resupply shipment, considering we use it for, like, everything.”

“It’s the black market,” said Colonel Leia Amidala, entering surgery with a grim look. “They intercepted our shipment again. I’ve requested more, but Command’s backed up on orders as it is. We’ll have to do things the old fashioned way for awhile.”

“Pretty sure the old fashioned way just involves a lot more death, Colonel.”

“I am aware, Poe. Corporal Rey and I are working on the problem. It has our full attention. Carry on.”

#

Surgery without bacta gel had gone poorly. Overall they hadn’t lost more patients than usual (i.e. too many, i.e. any), but a lot of them were in less stable condition than the doctors generally preferred, given the lack of bacta.

“I need a drink,” said Poe.

“The Swamp?” said Finn, referring to their shared tent.

“No, a real drink. Maz’s.”

“Ok, but I need a shower first. And we should check with Rey that they’re not sending any more casualties right away.”

“I’ll have BB-8 and Baby ready in half an hour,” Poe said, referring to his astromech droid and the old A-Wing he’d inherited from his mother, respectively.

“Please tell me you plan to use part of that half hour to shower, because ten hours of surgery really doesn’t agree with you.”

“And you said you loved me no matter what.”

“I was drunk when I said that.”

#

Maz’s Bar was the only place in the galaxy that both sides of the war met on neutral ground. Maz insisted on it. And by the force of her personality, and the fact that she somehow managed to have real Corellian whiskey on hand at all times, both sides complied.

Finn and Poe were three drinks in when Poe leaned in and whispered, “Let’s find a quiet corner and do something dirty.”

Finn nodded sloppily, Poe’s breath hot on his cheek.

Their usual corner, however, was occupied by a tall brown haired man being grinded on by an equally tall redhead in all black, the uniform of Snoke’s army.

“Is that...?” whispered Poe.

Before Finn could respond, Ben Solo, the Colonel’s unfortunate son, groaned, “Oh Hux, your lips are so hot!”

Maybe it was the three drinks each, but Finn and Poe dissolved into a puddle of giggles. They were met with glares from the far end of the corridor.

“Sorry, Ben. Sorry, General Hotlips.” Poe said before Finn pulled him back around the corner. “You don’t seem that surprised, Finn.”

“I thought everybody knew about them. Back in the First Order it was a pretty open secret. They just keep Hux bugged at all times to make sure he’s not giving away state secrets in flagrante. I’m sure they have a similar program for Ben.”

Poe shuddered. “You mean someone has to listen to all that audio of them. Of them...”

“Copulating? Why do you think I defected?”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

Finn waggled his eyebrows suggestively for a moment.

“I am joking,” he said finally, “But I knew a guy who knew a guy...”

“Ugh! And it’s not a gay thing.”

“Obviously.”

“Just, ugh!” he shuddered again, then giggled. “Hotlips.”

#

Meanwhile, back at the Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, Colonel Leia and her able assistant Corporal Rey were tackling the black marketing problem head on.

“I don’t wanna,” Leia said, making faces at her dog Gary, who snuffled in reply.

“I think it’s our only option,” Rey countered.

“He’s such drama, you have no idea.”

“I have met him, you know. And we need that bacta.”

“Ugh, fine. Make the call.”

“I made it an hour ago. He’s already on his way.”

“One of these days you’ll disappear and they’ll never find the body. Isn’t that right, Gary? Yes it is, handsome, yes it is.”

“I’m scrappy,” Rey said, unconcerned, dropping a pile of datapads on the Colonel’s littered desk, “Sign these.”

#

“You owe me now, Princess,” Han Solo said when he touched down in a Millenium Falcon full of bacta.

“You seem to be forgetting a little incident on Dantooine last year that would’ve landed your ass in prison without the influence of a certain Republican Senator slash Queen.”

“So we’re even, then,” Han said, scratching the back of his scruffy neck.

“Not even close, Laserbrain. Rey, recall Drs. Dameron and Finn from their shore leave, we’ve got patients to treat.”

“They’re on their way, sir. BB-8 says they’re mostly sober.”

#

A few days later, Poe was still hot and bothered about the missing bacta.

“It’s not enough that we got some from Han Solo. You realize it was probably stolen from us to begin with and then sold back to us at an exorbitant price, right?”

“Babe, it’s three in the morning.”

“It doesn’t bother you?”

Finn rolled over with a groan to face Poe, resigned to being awake. “You think Han Solo stole our bacta?”

“No. What? No. I’m just saying whoever he got it from probably stole it from us.”

“Besides, I’m pretty sure Solo didn’t charge the Colonel. He’s kind of obsessed with her.”

“She’s so cool. But, it’s the principle of the matter, Finn.”

“Oh, right, the principle,” Finn said, nuzzling his neck.

“You’re distracting me,” Poe whined.

“I’m trying my best.”

#

The next morning, having confirmed with Rey that they weren’t expecting more wounded, Poe and Finn were barreling through hyperspace on their way back Maz’s.

Rey, being Force sensitive, always seemed to know if there would be wounded, even before the official report came through. Luke Skywalker, the unit’s Force Representative and brother to the Colonel, kept trying to recruit her, but Rey always said, “There’s already too many fucking Jedis fucking shit up. Sir.”

“So let me get this straight,” Finn said in the cramped quarters of Poe’s A-Wing, “We’re going to Maz’s, but we’re not going to drink?”

“That’s right.”

“We’re going to pretend to drink.”

“Yep.”

“For forcesake, why?”

“I’ve got a plan,” Poe said, flashing that smile that always got Finn to agree to anything.

Anything.

#

“That was a pretty big bluff,” Finn said that night, passing his boyfriend a celebratory glass of the Swamp’s finest.

Poe stretched out on the bunk with a grin, clearly pleased with himself. He was still wearing his army issue shirt and pants, but he had topped them with a balding red bathrobe. Finn wore an unbuttoned floral shirt over his uniform pants, and in his hand he nursed a cigar.

“How’d you know it was Hotlips?” Finn asked, trying to insinuate himself between Poe and the tent wall without spilling his drink.

“Had to be. He was the only direct point of contact between our unit and the First Order. Leave it to Ben to be feeding info to the enemy and not even know it. They’re probably still fighting.”

“They’ve probably moved on to the make-up sex.”

Poe shuddered, sloshing his drink all over them both. “Why you gotta be like that, buddy? I was enjoying the moment.”

“You love me.” He said it as a statement, something he was sure of.

“Force help me, I do.”

#

A few more drinks and a few less articles of clothing later, “I hope I don’t regret not getting Hux kicked out of Maz’s permanently. I totally could’ve, he definitely broke the rules...”

“Poe, is now really the time?”

“Oh, sorry, you were saying...” but his words shifted into a groan.

It wasn’t so much what Finn was saying as what he was doing.

**Author's Note:**

> Subscribe to this series for more adorable crack! More Kylux skulking in corners, causing trouble! More Leia and Han sparks! Rey's gonna kick major ass at some point! More pilots as doctors because why not! Padme and Anakin are gonna show up all white haired and majestic! Luke as adorable Jedi priest who just wants to meditate in peace for forcesake! And above all, stormpilot hijinks and fluff! War is hell! And if you don't think Millicent's gonna show up and cause trouble, you must be out of your goddam mind!
> 
> Kudos and comments appreciated, nay, begged for on humble knees.


End file.
